Laudator Temporis Acti

Lucian, Icaromenippus 5 (tr. H.W. Fowler and F.G. Fowler):

MENIPPUS.
In this state of mind, the best I could think of was to get at the truth of it all from the people called philosophers; they of course would be able to give it me. So I selected the best of them, if solemnity of visage, pallor of complexion and length of beard are any criterion—for there could not be a moment's doubt of their soaring words and heaven-high thoughts—and in their hands I placed myself. For a considerable sum down, and more to be paid when they should have perfected me in wisdom, I was to be made an airy metaphysician and instructed in the order of the universe. Unfortunately, so far from dispelling my previous ignorance, they perplexed me more and more, with their daily drenches of beginnings and ends, atoms and voids, matters and forms. My greatest difficulty was that, though they differed among themselves, and all they said was full of inconsistency and contradiction, they expected me to believe them, each pulling me in his own direction.

FRIEND.
How absurd that wise men should quarrel about facts, and hold different opinions on the same things!

Greek:

ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ.
Οὐκοῦν ἐπειδήπερ οὕτω διεκείμην, ἄριστον εἶναι ὑπελάμβανον παρὰ τῶν φιλοσόφων τούτων ταῦτα ἕκαστα ἐκμαθεῖν· ᾤμην γὰρ ἐκείνους γε πᾶσαν1 ἔχειν ἂν εἰπεῖν τὴν ἀλήθειαν. οὕτω δὲ τοὺς ἀρίστους ἐπιλεξάμενος αὐτῶν, ὡς ἐνῆν τεκμήρασθαι προσώπου τε σκυθρωπότητι καὶ χρόας ὠχρότητι καὶ γενείου βαθύτητι—μάλα γὰρ ὑψαγόραι τινὲς καὶ οὐρανογνώμονες οἱ ἄνδρες αὐτίκα μοι κατεφάνησαν—τούτοις ἐγχειρίσας ἐμαυτὸν καὶ συχνὸν ἀργύριον τὸ μὲν αὐτόθεν ἤδη καταβαλών, τὸ δὲ εἰσαῦθις ἀποδώσειν ἐπὶ κεφαλαίῳ τῆς σοφίας διομολογησάμενος, ἠξίουν μετεωρολέσχης τε διδάσκεσθαι καὶ τὴν τῶν ὅλων διακόσμησιν καταμαθεῖν. οἱ δὲ τοσοῦτον ἄρα ἐδέησάν με τῆς παλαιᾶς ἐκεινης ἀγνοίας ἀπαλλάξαι, ὥστε καὶ εἰς μείζους ἀπορίας φέροντες ἐνέβαλον, ἀρχάς τινας καὶ τέλη καὶ ἀτόμους καὶ κενὰ καὶ ὕλας καὶ ἰδέας καὶ τὰ τοιαῦτα ὁσημέραι μου καταχέοντες. ὃ δὲ πάντων ἐμοι γοῦν1 ἐδόκει χαλεπώτατον, ὅτι μηδὲν ἅτερος θατέρῳ λέγοντες ἀκόλουθον ἀλλὰ μαχόμενα πάντα καὶ ὑπεναντία, ὅμως πείθεσθαί τέ με ἠξίουν καὶ πρὸς τὸν αὑτοῦ λόγον ἕκαστος ὑπάγειν ἐπειρῶντο.

ΕΤΑΙΡΟΣ.
Ἄτοπον λέγεις, εἰ σοφοὶ ὄντες οἱ ἄνδρες ἐστασίαζον πρὸς αὑτοὺς περὶ τῶν λόγων καὶ οὐ τὰ αὐτὰ περὶ τῶν αὐτῶν ἐδόξαζον.

Latin translation by Erasmus:

MENIPPUS.
Itaque quum ad eum modum essem affectus, optimum factu ratus sum, vt horum vnumquodque a philosophis istis perdiscerem, siquidem existimabam illos veritatem omnem docere posse. Quare quum ex ills praestantissimos delegissem, quantum mihi coniectare licebat, e vultus austeritate eque coloris pallore ac barbae profunditate,—mirum enim vt mihi ex ipso protinus aspectu sublimiloquos quosdam et coelestium rerum peritos viros prae se ferebant—his vbi memet docendum tradidissem magna pecunia, quam partim euestigio praesentem numeraui, partim tum me persoluturum sum pollicitus, vbi ad philosophise summam peruentum esset, non grauabar erectus ad nugas doceri et vniuersi dispositionem discere. At illi tantum aberant vt me pristina liberarent inscitia, vt in maiores etiam dubitationes coniecerint, principia nescio quae ac fines, tum insecabilia, inania, syluas, ideas atque id genus alia mihi quotidie offundentes. Verum illud interim mihi videbatur omnium esse grauissimum, quod quum nihil inter illos conueniret, verum pugnantia diuersaque inter se omnia loquerentur, tamen postulabant, vt sibi fidem haberem, ac ad suam quisque rationem me conabatur adducere.

AMICUS.
Rem absurdam narras, si viri, quum essent sapientes, inter sese de rebus factiose dissidebant, neque de iisdem eadem probabant.

Id. 29:

There is a class which has recently become conspicuous among men; they are idle, quarrelsome, vain, irritable, lickerish, silly, puffed up, arrogant, and, in Homeric phrase, vain cumberers of the earth. These men have divided themselves into bands, each dwelling in a separate word-maze of its own construction, and call themselves Stoics, Epicureans, Peripatetics, and more farcical names yet. Then they take to themselves the holy name of Virtue, and with uplifted brows and flowing beards exhibit the deceitful semblance that hides immoral lives; their model is the tragic actor, from whom if you strip off the mask and the gold-spangled robe, there is nothing left but a paltry fellow hired for a few shillings to play a part.

Greek:

Γένος γάρ τι ἀνθρώπων ἐστὶν οὐ πρὸ πολλοῦ τῷ βίῳ ἐπιπολάσαν ἀργὸν φιλόνεικον κενόδοξον ὀξύχολον ὑπόλιχνον ὑπόμωρον τετυφωμένον ὕβρεως ἀνάπλεων καὶ ἵνα καθ᾿ Ὅμηρον εἴπω 'ἐτώσιον ἄχθος ἀρούρης.' οὗτοι τοίνυν εἰς συστήματα διαιρεθέντες καὶ διαφόρους λόγων λαβυρίνθους ἐπινοήσαντες οἱ μὲν Στωϊκοὺς ὠνομάκασιν ἑαυτούς, οἱ δὲ Ἀκαδημαϊκούς, οἱ δὲ Ἐπικουρείους, οἱ δὲ Περιπατητικοὺς καὶ ἄλλα πολλῷ γελοιότερα τούτων· ἔπειτα δὲ ὄνομα σεμνὸν τὴν ἀρετὴν περιθέμενοι καὶ τὰς ὀφρῦς ἐπάραντες καὶ τὰ μέτωπα ῥυτιδώσαντες καὶ τοὺς πώγωνας ἐπισπασάμενοι περιέρχονται ἐπιπλάστῳ σχήματι κατάπτυστα ἤθη περιστέλλοντες, ἐμφερεῖς μάλιστα τοῖς τραγικοῖς ἐκείνοις ὑποκριταῖς, ὧν ἢν ἀφέλῃ τις τὰ προσωπεῖα καὶ τὴν χρυσόπαστον ἐκείνην στολήν, τὸ καταλειπόμενόν ἐστι γελοῖον ἀνθρώπιον ἑπτὰ δραχμῶν ἐς τὸν ἀγῶνα μεμισθωμένον.

Latin translation by Erasmus:

Est enim hominum genus, quod non ita pridem in vita fluitare coepit, iners, contentiosum, gloriae auidum, iracundum, gulae studiosum, stultum, fastuosum, contumeliosum, et vt verbis Homericis dicam Telluris inutile pondus. Isti igitur in sectas diuisi, ac variis rationum labyrinthis excogitatis, alii sese Stoicos appellant, Academicos alii, alii Epicureos, alii Peripateticos; aliis item vocabulis, his multo magis ridiculis. Deinde vbi venerandum illud virtutis nomen induerint, tum adductis in altum superciliis promissaque barba, fucato habitu obambulant, detestandos mores secum circumferentes, simillimi nimirum istis tragoediarum histrionibus, quibus si personas stolamque illam auro sparsam detraxeris, quod superest, id ridiculum est: nempe homunculus septem denariis ad agonem conductus.