Laudator Temporis Acti

Catullus 98 (tr. F.W. Cornish, rev. G.P. Goold):

You if any man, disgusting Victius, deserve what is said about chatterboxes and idiots. With a tongue like that, if need arose, you could lick arses and rustics' clogs. If you wish to destroy us all utterly, Victius, just open your mouth: you'll utterly do what you wish.

in te, si in quemquam, dici pote, putide Victi,
    id quod verbosis dicitur et fatuis.
ista cum lingua, si usus veniat tibi, possis
    culos et crepidas lingere carpatinas.
si nos omnino vis omnes perdere, Victi,        5
    hiscas: omnino quod cupis efficies.

1, 5 Victi V: Vitti Haupt: Vetti Statius
6 hiscas Vossius: discas V; dehiscas Hendrickson

In the spirit of Bowdler, F.W. Cornish left out "culos et" from his translation:

You if any man, disgusting Victius, deserve what is said about chatterboxes and idiots. With a tongue like that, given the chance you might lick a rustic's clogs. If you wish to destroy us all utterly, Victius, just utter a syllable: you'll utterly do what you wish.

John Nott, The Poems of Caius Valerius Catullus, in English Verse, vol. II (London: J. Johnson, 1795), p. 155:

Foul-mouth'd Vectius! did any deserve the disdain
    To conceit, and to talkative ignorance due,
'Tis thyself; whose rank tongue's only fit to lick clean
    The most filthy of parts, or some hind's stinking shoe.
If thou'rt anxious to blast ev'ry friend thou mayst meet;
    Do but open thy lips, and the wish is compleat!

Robinson Ellis ad loc.:

It is doubtful to whom this epigram alludes. The MSS have Victi, one or two inferior ones Vitti: and this may represent the name Vettius, or Vectius. The history of Catullus' time contains one notorious person of this name, L. Vettius the informer, Vettius ille, ille noster index as he is called by Cicero Att. ii. 24. 2. His first appearance is in B.c. 62 when he accused J. Caesar of being an accomplice of Catiline, Suet. Iul. 17; later, in 59 B. c. he gave information to the younger Curio of a plot to assassinate Pompeius, was brought before the Senate and there produced a list of supposed conspirators, including Brutus and C. Bibulus the consul. This list he afterwards expanded, omitting Brutus and adding others not mentioned before, Lucullus, C. Fannius, L. Domitius, Cicero's son-in-law C. Piso, and M. Iuventius Laterensis. Cicero was not included; but was indicated as an eloquent consular who had said the occasion called for a Servilius Ahala or a Brutus. (Att. ii. 24, in Vatin. x, xi.) Vettius was not believed and was thrown into prison, where he was shortly afterwards found dead.

Cicero (in Vat. x. sqq.) asserts that Vettius was brought to the Rostra to make a public statement on this alleged conspiracy by Vatinius, and that as he was retiring he was recalled by Vatinius and asked whether he had any more names to add. An informer who did not scruple to charge some of the noblest and best men in Rome with so monstrous a design would naturally be hated, and this hatred would be increased by his connexion with Vatinius, the object of universal disgust. There is therefore nothing improbable in the view put forward doubtfully by Schwabe but accepted by Westphal, that the epigram of Catullus is directed against this L. Vettius. If the young Iuventius of the poems belonged to the family of Iuventius Laterensis, Catullus would have a personal motive in addition to public and general grounds of dislike: but public feeling alone would be enough to prompt the epigram. The persistency with which Cicero attaches the words index indicium to Vettius was doubtless meant to convey a slur; while the words of Catullus Ista cum lingua etc., find a practical commentary in Cicero's language ibi tu indicem Vettium linguam et uocem suam sceleri et menti tuae praebere uoluisti x. 24, just as Si nos omnino uis omnes perdere, Vetti is well illustrated by Cicero's ciuitatis lumina notasset xi. 26.

1. putide, 'disgusting,' XLII. 11.

2. fatuis, see on LXXXIII. 2. Fatui or idiots were sometimes kept in Roman houses Sen. Ep. 50. 1.

3. Ista cum lingua, 'as owner of that vile tongue,' Pers. iii. 1. 68 Cum hac dote poteris uel mendico nubere. Phorm. iii. 1. 1 Multimodis cum istoc animo es uituperandus. si usus ueniat tibi, 'should you ever have the opportunity,' Cato R. R. 157 Et hoc, si quando usus uenerit, qui debilis erit, haec res sanum facere potest. Mil. Glor. i. 1. 3 ubi usus ueniat.

4. Culos. Your tongue is so foul that it might well be employed as a peniculus for the filthiest purposes: either as a sponge to clean the posteriors (Paul. Diac. p. 208 M., Mart. xii. 48. 7) or a brush for removing the dirt from a rustic's shoe (Festus p. 230). carpatinas, or as it is sometimes spelt carbatinas, is explained by Hesych. μονόπελμον καὶ εὐτελὲς ὑπόδημα ἀγροικικόν, where Rich supposes μονόπελμον to mean having the sole and upper-leather all in one. Perhaps like the old English startup.

5. omnino omnes, Varro Bimarc. fr. ii Riese, 45 Bücheler Τρόπων τρόπους qui non modo ignorasse me Clamat, sed omnino omnis heroas negat Nescisse.

6. Hiscas, 'just speak.' Mayor on Phil. ii. 43. 111 Respondebisne ad haec aut omnino hiscere audebis? and cf. Sen. de vita beata 20 cited on CVIII. 3. omnino, 'by all means;' the two senses may be kept up by translating 'if you wish quite to kill all of us, just speak; you'll quite succeed in doing what you wish.' The word is perhaps taken from Vettius' speeches.

Labels: noctes scatologicae