Laudator Temporis Acti

Isobel Williams, Switch: the complete Catullus (Manchester: Carcanet, 2023), p. 36 (supposedly a translation of Catullus' 8th poem):

In tears again, Catullus. Just get out of bed.
Accept the past and have the loss adjusters in.
Oh, once upon a time you were the golden boy —
When you let Mistress use her harshest ropes on you.
You said you loved her more than all the rest blah blah.
She taught you how to show submissiveness and shame,
Following your instinct, and made you feel big.
The rumour was they even liked you in Japan.

So now she’s dumped you and you can’t get tied at will.
Don’t chase vanilla boys or put your life on hold —
Try Buddhist meditation to endure the drought.

Mistress, get lost. Catullus-san’s remade in stone.
He won’t beg favours or come sniffing after you.
You’ll pine for him now he’s not snivelling in your wake.
What’s promised for a has-been/never-was like you?
Who’s next? Who’s going to mumble that you’re beautiful?
Who wants to feel the lash and be your slave by right?
Who’ll let you kiss him, cut and bleeding in your ropes?

But you, Catullus — you’re not even curious.

The original Latin:

Miser Catulle, desinas ineptire,
et quod vides perisse perditum ducas.
fulsere quondam candidi tibi soles,
cum ventitabas quo puella ducebat
amata nobis quantum amabitur nulla.        5
ibi illa multa cum iocosa fiebant,
quae tu volebas nec puella nolebat,
fulsere vere candidi tibi soles.
nunc iam illa non vult: tu quoque impotens <noli>,
nec quae fugit sectare, nec miser vive,        10
sed obstinata mente perfer, obdura.
vale puella, iam Catullus obdurat,
nec te requiret nec rogabit invitam.
at tu dolebis, cum rogaberis nulla.
scelesta, vae te, quae tibi manet vita?        15
quis nunc te adibit? cui videberis bella?
quem nunc amabis? cuius esse diceris?
quem basiabis? cui labella mordebis?
at tu, Catulle, destinatus obdura.

9 noli add. Avantius

If you want to know what Catullus' poem really means, see the crib by G.P. Goold:

Poor Catullus, 'tis time you should cease your folly,
and account as lost what you see is lost.
Once the days shone bright on you,
when you used to go so often where my mistress led,
she who was loved by me as none will ever be loved.
There and then were given us those joys, so many, so merry,
which you desired nor did my lady not desire.
Bright for you, truly, shone the days.
Now she desires no more—no more should you desire, poor madman,
nor follow her who flees, nor live in misery,
but with resolved mind endure, be firm.
Farewell, my mistress; now Catullus is firm;
he will not seek you nor ask you against your will.
But you will be sorry, when you are a nobody in favours asked for.
Ah, poor wretch! what life is left for you?
Who now will visit you? to whom will you seem fair?
whom now will you love? by whose name will you be called?
whom will you kiss? whose lips will you bite?
But you, Catullus, be resolved and firm.

There are those who swoon in ecstasy over Williams' version, which is apparently influenced by a Japanese sexual practice of rope bondage (Kinbaku, or Shibari). Among the admirers is Daniel Mendelsohn, "Latin Lover. Why Catullus Continues to Seduce Us," The New Yorker (April 7, 2025) 20-22, 24-25 (at 25):

Some old farts may complain about the accuracy of Williams’s new version, but who’d give a penny for their thoughts? As far as I’m concerned, she’s right on the money.

Count me among the old farts.

Hat tip: John Robertson, my former classmate at the University of Virginia (where Daniel Mendelsohn read Catullus under the tuition of Professor Arthur Stocker). John's impersonations of Stocker were a hit among graduate students.