Laudator Temporis Acti

I'm not a lawyer, but I worked for a few years in a law office. Like the lawyers in the office, I had to keep track of the time I worked on various tasks, in six minute increments. Woe to him who didn't meet his quota of billable hours!

In the nineteenth century, James Hurnard (1808-1881) unleashed the following tirade against lawyers and line item billing, in book V, lines 862-975, of his poem The Setting Sun, 3rd ed. (London: Saml. Harris & Co., 1878), pp. 231-234, rpt. in James Hurnard: A Victorian Character. Being Passages from The Setting Sun. Selected and Arranged by G. Rostrevor Hamilton (Cambridge: At the University Press, 1946), pp. 93-97:

But least of all would I be bred a lawyer,
Because I have a humble hope of heaven.
Let law alone, that sword which cuts both ways!
A lawyer, if a fool, is good for nothing;
And if a clever fellow he is worse;
The loftier his grade in the profession,
The more illimitable is his extortion;
The best of them are just the worst of them;
He may not knock you down and steal your money,
But he will surely worm it out of you.
He holds the key by which the law is opened;
If you want law you fain must go to him,
And he will soon unlock it with a vengeance,
And run you up a regular lawyer's bill.

For instance, if you simply buy a house,
He will take note of every interview,
And charge you for receiving your instructions,
Charge you likewise for drawing up the same,
Eight folio pages with a world of margin;
Charge you likewise for copying the same;
Charge you likewise for reading you the same,
And sending of it to the other party;
Charge you likewise for reading long reply
From London lawyer with a draft agreement;
Charge you likewise perusing of said draft,
Charge you likewise for copying the same,
Attending you, informing you thereof;
Charge you likewise transmitting draft agreement,
Along with letter, to the London lawyer.

Having received fair copy back for signature
Charge you for reading and examining same;
Charge you likewise attending you therewith,
Getting your signature and attesting same;
Charge you likewise attending London lawyer,
Exchanging forms of mutual agreement,
Instructing him to send abstract of title.

Having received the abstract of said title,
Charge you likewise perusing of the same;
Charge you likewise for making an appointment
With London lawyer to examine abstract,
And reading his reply, naming a day;
Charge you likewise for journey up to London;
Charge you likewise attending London lawyer,
Examining the abstract of the title,
Engaged four hours (making their little plant);
Charge you likewise for share of the expenses,
(Oysters and porter very probably);
Charge you likewise for making out fair copy
Of the said abstract after due correction,
And careful examination with the deeds;
Charge you likewise for drawing observations
Upon the aforesaid abstract of the title;
Charge you likewise fair copy of the same;
Charge you likewise transmitting of the same,
Along with letter, to the London lawyer.

Having received said observations back
From London lawyer, charge you for perusing
Answers thereto, informing you thereof:
(No doubt these answers from the London lawyer
Made out these observations were all humbug);
Charge you for the instructions for conveyance;
Charge you likewise for drawing the conveyance,
Just four and thirty folio pages full;
Charge you likewise attending upon counsel,
To settle same in legal conference.

Charge you again attending upon counsel,
Receiving of the same from him as settled;
Charge you the counsel's fees, also his clerks;
(All of them greedy crocodiles alike);
Next charge you for fair copy and perusal;
Charge you likewise transmitting the conveyance
To London lawyer to peruse the same,
With precious letter to him on the subject.

Having received conveyance back again,
Charge you perusing sundry alterations;
Charge you likewise engrossing said conveyance;
Charge you likewise for stamps and also parchments;
Charge you likewise examining the skin;
(No doubt to see if there were holes in it
Big enough for a lawyer to creep through:
A pin's point hole is amply large enough);
Charge you for sending same to London lawyer
To get him to attend upon the owner
To execute the deed, and pass the estate;
Charge you likewise writing to London lawyer
To make appointment to complete the business;
Also perusing letter in reply,
Attending and informing you thereof;
Charge you again for going up to London,
Attending London lawyer to complete,
Taking the deed, and giving receipt for same;
Charge you likewise for share of the expenses,
(The champagne dinner that they had together).

The title not complete without an extract
From Probate of a certain ancient will,
Charge you a journey to obtain the same;
Charge you likewise for copy of said extract;
Charge you likewise for drawing out a schedule
Of the old deeds to place with title writings;
Charge you likewise for paying London lawyer
For the agreement as agreed upon,
(No doubt this means they had agreed together
To bleed both parties to their hearts' content);
And charge you also for attending you,
Delivering up the precious deeds to you,
Taking receipt, and finally completing
This roundabout and complicated business,
And also handing you this little bill.

This has all the earmarks of being a versification of an actual lawyer's bill.