Wednesday, May 01, 2013



[Percival Leigh (1813-1889)], Paul Prendergast; or, The Comic Schoolmaster (In Three Parts.), Comprising a New and Facetious Introduction to the English Language; Arithmetic; and the Classics (London: Ward & Lock, 1858), Part II, pp. 65-68 (footnote omitted):
Q. My good child, tell me what you believe in?
A. Money.
Q. What is money?
A. The all-ruling and all-powerful; the fountain of worldly wisdom and power.
Q. How is it worshipped?
A. By the daily sacrifice of time, talents, health, and virtue.
Q. What is this worship called?
A. Mammon.
Q. What is its chief rite?
A. Gammon.
Q. What is the chief ceremony?
A. Deceit.
Q. What are its principal festivals?
A. Dividend-days.
Q. What are its days of penance and fasting?
A. Days when no business is done.
Q. What are its feast-days?
A. City "Feeds."
Q. Where are its principal temples?
A. The Treasury, the 'Change, and the Bank.
Q. Who are its priests?
A. Whitewashed "black-legs."
Q. What is virtue?
A. A name.
Q. What is Orthodoxy?
A. Cash.
Q. What is Heterodoxy?
A. Bills.
Q. What is Heresy?
A. "No effects."
Q. What is Schism?
A. "Call again to-morrow."
Q. What is Respectability?
A. Plenty of trade.
Q. What is Roguery?
A. Being in debt.
Q. What is Vice?
A. Misfortune.
Q. What is the greatest sin?
A. Poverty.
Q. What is the principal virtue?
A. Prompt payment.
Q. What are the principal blessings?
A. Loans.
Q. What should be our continual desire?
A. Good luck.
Q. For what our rejoicings?
A. Success.
Q. What is Morality?
A. Cent. per cent. profits.
Q. What is the Origin of evil?
A. A returned bill.
Q. What is the greatest evil?
A. Bankruptcy.
Q. What is our chance of escape from perdition?
A. "Taking the benefit."
Q. What is the Devil?
A. To be without money.
Q. Who are the chosen children of Mammon?
A. Those born with a "silver spoon."
Q. What is the true definition of good?
A. Solvency.
Q. What is the true definition of bad?
A. Insolvency.
Q. What is your duty to your friend?
A. To cheat him.
Q. What to the stranger?
A. To "take him in."
Q. What is Experimental Philosophy?
A. Going a borrowing.
Q. What is practical philosophy?
A. Being refused.
Q. What should be your chief consolation in old age?
A. Dying rich.
Q. What is the chief maxim of this creed?
A. Doing every one, but suffering no one to do you.
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