Laudator Temporis Acti

A.P. Herbert (1890-1971), "Let's Stop Somebody from Doing Something!", A Book of Ballads (London: Ernest Benn Limited, 1931), pp. 422-425:

Councillor Busy and Mr. Nose, the Member for Misery Wood,
And the Secretaree for the Societee for Making the Public Good,
Were walking up and down the town with a frown, for everywhere they saw
The bold, bad Britisher doing things which weren't against the law;
    And "This won't do!" said Councillor Busy;
    "This won't do!" said the Honourable Nose;
    "It certainly won't!" said the Secretaree of the S.M.B.P.G.

"Let's stop somebody from doing something!
        Everybody does too much.
People seem to think they've a right to eat and drink,
Talk and walk and respirate and rink,
        Bicycle and bathe and such.
    So let's have lots of little regulations.
    Let's make laws and jobs for our relations,
    There's too much kissing at the railway stations—
Let's find out what everyone is doing,
      And then stop everyone from doing it."

Councillor Busy and Mr. Nose walked on through the summer night,
And a young man looked at his lady friend and suddenly smiled outright;
And he hadn't applied for a licence, or been to the County Hall,
Or made a report at the magistrate's court, or filled up a form at all;
    And "Did you see that?" said Councillor Busy;
    "Did you see that?" said the Honourable Nose;
    "I did see that," said the Secretaree of the S.M.B.P.G.

"Let's stop somebody from doing something!
        There's too much smiling in the city.
You don't see me in conversation with a she;
We don't osculate, and why should he?
        Send for the Watch Committee!
    Let's make the girls wear high-necked blouses,
    Let's put microphones in people's houses,
    Let's imprison gentlemen who hug their spouses;
Let's find out what everyone is doing,
      And then stop everyone from doing it."

Councillor Busy went up to Heaven (from eating too much fruit),
And the Secretaree took an overdose of tea, and Nose soon followed suit;
But they didn't much like the tone of Heaven, for the tone was far too gay.
The angels seemed to enjoy themselves, and the young folk laughed all day.
    And "This won't do," said Councillor Busy;
    "Did you see that?" said the Honourable Nose;
    "No self-control!" said the Secretaree of the S.M.B.P.G.

Let's stop somebody from doing something!
There's too much liberty here,
Constant song is obviously wrong,
Let's get a plainclothes constable along—
        Somebody should interfere.
    Let's stop love and lollipops and smoking,
    Let's stamp out unregulated joking,
    We've got noses and they're made for poking,
Let's find out what everyone is doing,
      And then stop everyone from doing it."