Laudator Temporis Acti

Corpus Inscriptionum Latinarum III 12274c = Carmina Latina Epigraphica 1923 (Lampsacus, 6th century AD), tr. E. Courtney, Musa Lapidaria (Atlanta: Scholar's Press, 1995), p. 161 (his number 170b), with his note on p. 370:

Baths, wine, love make our destiny speed up.
Watch your groin while sacrificing.

balnea, vina, Venus faciunt properantia fata.
θύων τήρι τὴν κήλην σου.

(b) is inscribed on a spoon found at Gallipoli; the Greek refers to the story of accidental self-castration at a sacrifice recounted by Mart. 3.24.

Not self-castration and not accidental — see Martial 3.24 (tr. D.R. Shackleton Bailey):

A billy goat guilty of gnawing a vine stood sentenced to die at your altar, Bacchus, a welcome victim at your rites. When the Tuscan soothsayer was about to sacrifice hirn to the god, he told a rude country fellow, as it chanced, to be quick and sever the goat's testicles with a sharp sickle, so as to get rid of the noisome smell of unclean flesh. While he himself, bent over the green altar, was cutting the throat of the struggling animal with a knife and pressing hirn down with his hand, an enormous hernea stood revealed to the indignant rites. The bumpkin seizes thereon and cuts it with his steel, in the belief that ancient ritual of sacrifice so required and that with such organs the deities of old are worshipped. So, soothsayer, recently Tuscan but now Gaul, in slaughtering a goat you yourself became a gelding.

Vite nocens rosa stabat moriturus ad aras
    hircus, Bacche, tuis victima grata sacris.
quem Tuscus mactare deo cum vellet aruspex,
    dixerat agresti forte rudique viro
ut cito testiculos †et acuta† falce secaret,        5
    taeter ut immundae carnis abiret odor.
ipse super virides aras luctantia pronus
    dum resecat cultro colla premitque manu,
ingens iratis apparuit hirnea sacris.
    occupat hanc ferro rusticus atque secat,        10
hoc ratus antiquos sacrorum poscere ritus
    talibus et fibris numina prisca coli.
sic, modo qui Tuscus fueras, nunc Gallus aruspex,
    dum iugulas hircum, factus es ipse caper.

5 praeacuta Heinsius: curvata Schneidewin

On the Greek half of the inscription see Wilhelm Froehner, Kritische Analekten = Philologus Supplementband 5 (1889), p. 59:

Der französische herausgeber [Salomon Reinach] glaubt, die einzig erlaubte übersetzung sei: „während des opferns gib acht auf deinen hodenbruch“, und citiert das epigramm Martials (III, 24) de haruspice hernioso, das soweit als möglich abliegt. Andere witze über hodenbrüchige stehen im Philogelos (n. 113. 117-119 Eberhard; vergl. Rhein. museum 38, 521). Mir scheint, es müsse auch hier, der analogie halber, ein zusammenhang mit dem hexameter gesucht werden, und ein solcher wird erreicht, wenn wir θύων als einen schreibfehler betrachten und στύων lesen. Die verantwortlichkeit der conjectur übernehme ich ungern.

If στύων were read instead of θύων, the Greek would mean something like "If you have a hard-on, watch your groin."

On the entire set of 8 spoons see Reinhold Merkelbach and Josef Stauber, Steinepigramme aus dem griechischen Osten, Bd. I: Die Westküste Kleinasiens von Knidos bis Ilion (Stuttgart; B.G. Teubner, 1998), pp. 640-642 (number 07/07/03).